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30% of Americans refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

Fact: 30% of Americans refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.

What I took from this: 70% of Americans find peculiar rashes and spots of discoloration on their asses and genitals from time to time.

Fact: Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

What I took from this: Pro-life demonstrators yell a lot of things at women as they come and go out of abortion clinics but that fact isn't one of them.

Fact: In 1815, a French chemist named Michael Eugene Chevreul realized the first link between diabetes and sugar metabolism when he discovered that the urine of a diabetic was identical to grape sugar.

What I took from this: Thank God for him. That is exactly the kind of shit that I would've never discovered. Nor would I have been able to confirm. I wouldn't drink someone's piss if you told me it was from the fountain of youth.

Fact: Men have more blood than women. Men have 1.5 gallons for men versus 0.875 gallons for women.

What I took from this: Darwin's Theory of Evolution states that organisms that inherit beneficial mutations or beneficial gene combinations are better adapted to survive. Modern man must be descended from the lucky bastard that didn't faint every time he got an erection.

Fact: Someone on Earth reports seeing a UFO every three minutes. Coincidence or not, someone within 200 miles of wherever you live claims to have had direct contact with a monster or some kind of unexplainable being.

What I took from this: Evidently, the Imperial probe droids are still not having any luck finding Luke.

Fact: Apparently, a person can be transformed into a vampire if they have been given inadequate burial rites or buried in a grave that is too shallow. Vampires often times can be identified because they're sitting up in their graves.

What I took from this:
"Can often times be identified?" How do you fuck that one up? Seems to me like a corpse sitting up in their grave and brushing the dust off their clothes would be a dead ringer for a Vampire? How do you misclassify that? I think Ukrainian folklore is under appreciated for its pure horror because people find it personally insulting that they consistently overstate the obvious.

same difference

In 1920 the Russian transplant pioneer Serge Voronoff made headlines by grafting monkey testicles onto human males.

13 people a year are killed by vending machines falling on them.
We either need to reduce the price of carbonated beverages or reduce the amount of caffeine we pump into the product because honestly, nothing in that machine is or should be that fucking important.