30% of Americans refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
Fact: 30% of Americans
refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. What I took from this: 70% of Americans
find peculiar rashes and spots of discoloration on their asses and
genitals from time to time.
Fact: Adolph Hitler's mother seriously
considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. What I took from this: Pro-life demonstrators yell a lot of things at women as they
come and go out of abortion clinics but that fact isn't one of them.
Fact: In 1815, a French chemist
named Michael Eugene Chevreul realized the first link between diabetes
and sugar metabolism when he discovered that the urine of a diabetic
was identical to grape sugar. What I took from this: Thank God
for him. That is exactly the kind of shit that I would've never
discovered. Nor would I have been able to confirm. I wouldn't drink
someone's piss if you told me it was from the fountain of youth.
Fact: Men have more blood than women. Men have 1.5 gallons
for men versus 0.875 gallons for women. What I took from this: Darwin's
Theory of Evolution states that organisms that inherit beneficial
mutations or beneficial gene combinations are better adapted to
survive. Modern man must be descended from the lucky bastard that
didn't faint every time he got an erection.
Fact: Someone on Earth reports
seeing a UFO every three minutes. Coincidence or not, someone within
200 miles of wherever you live claims to have had direct contact
with a monster or some kind of unexplainable being. What I took from this: Evidently,
the Imperial probe droids are still not having any luck finding
Fact: Apparently, a person can be transformed into a vampire
if they have been given inadequate burial rites or buried in a grave
that is too shallow. Vampires often times can be identified because
they're sitting up in their graves.
What I took from this: "Can
often times be identified?" How do you fuck that one up? Seems
to me like a corpse sitting up in their grave and brushing the dust
off their clothes would be a dead ringer for a Vampire? How do you
misclassify that? I think Ukrainian folklore is under appreciated
for its pure horror because people find it personally insulting
that they consistently overstate the obvious.