RAW DOGMA                                                                       written by Nkrumah Steward

These Aren’t Your Parent’s Monster Raccoons

Our troops are being spread so thin, even wildlife is starting to test us.
A west Olympia neighborhood in Washington State is being terrorized by raccoons.
Don’t laugh. These are not your everyday Raccoons.
First of all, forget all that cute stuff.
Raccoons are anything but cute.
I remember back when I was in college, I had placed a bag of garbage in the trunk of my car with every intention on taking it to the dumpster, but I got side tracked by my hunger pains and went to visit my parents to get a warm meal.
In my haste to get inside the house I left the passenger side window cracked, just a little bit.
When I finally got around to leaving my parents I opened the door of my car and got in. No sooner than I put the key into the ignition I heard this noise in the backseat right behind my chair.
Then I felt something hit the arm rest between the seats.
I screamed. Pissed myself. Jumped out of the car and slammed the door shut behind me.
As I stood in the middle of the street, pants wet, hyperventilating, staring at my car, I see this tiny hand with four fingers on it, reach up, grab my window and a Raccoon pulled itself up to the window and climb right out of my car.
The little thing had fingers on its hands. It had human hands. I swear to God.
Its little fat ass waddled itself down the street looking at me like “What?!”
It had evidently smelled the garbage in my trunk and with my window rolled down just far enough, climbed inside to see if it could find itself something to eat.
Well in this particular west Olympia neighborhood, they aren’t rummaging through the garbage.
They have a taste for pet. 10 cats in recent weeks have been killed by Raccoons.
People aren’t taking any chances either. Some are even walking around at night with lead pipes and pepper spray.
And for those of you that think it’s funny because these raccoons killed 10 cats, people in this neighborhood have also witnessed them gang up, five at a time, on dogs and carry the dogs over their heads and off into the night.
Some people have even tossed firecrackers at the raccoons to scare them away only to find that they don’t run, they don’t even move out of the way. They are completely fearless.
One in particular seems to be the leader.
"There's one really big bad dude," said Tamara Keeton who started a Raccoon Watch after having an emotional neighborhood meeting for people to mourn their dead pets.
"He was the biggest raccoon I've ever seen. He was a monster," added Tony Benjamins, whose family has had two cats killed.
"It's a new breed," Keeton said. "They're urban raccoons, and they're not afraid."
They sound like gremlins. One women was even bitten by one of them when she was trying to get three of them to let go of her screaming cat.
They were trying to tear it apart.
One of Tony Benjamins’s cats only survived its run in with the raccoons because she was too fat to pull her under the deck where the Raccoons had some rather inappropriate plans for her.
"It couldn't pull Sweetie under the deck. But it pulled so hard it hurt her internal organs," Hall Keaton said.
People have set traps for these raccoons and not only have these Raccoons figured out how not to get caught by them but they have actually been seen teaching other Raccoons how to avoid them too.
So what’s the answer to this. I don’t know. Challenge the big boss to a dual in front of all of his boys to send a message to the others?
I don’t know, I think when those raccoons saw these people holding a candlelight vigil for a bunch of dead cats, they pretty much sent the message to these raccoons that they can have the run of the place.

Cat-killing raccoons on prowl in west Olympia, The Olympian, August 21, 2006
same difference

Woman Says She Punched Bear in the Nose, but it didn’t do shit
I know what your thinking, PCP. That bear must’ve been on PCP.
You keep believing that.

God tells man to kill leopard’s with his bare hands
"It let out a blood-curdling snarl that made the birds stop chirping," he told the daily Standard newspaper.