It seems that the harder you try to modernize Africa the harder they push back. As of late things have not been going well.
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that.
I know what has to be done.
Since no one else seems like they are willing to do it, I am just going to have to stick my neck out on the line and do it myself.
People, I am hear to announce that by the winter of 2006 I am going to personally travel to the birthplace of mankind, mother Africa and take it over.
And I will do it without an ounce of bloodshed.
Although a lot of people will stroke out.
And my victory will be so complete and so thorough that it will change the face of Africa forever, pushing the continent into the modern world with the rest of us leaving the rest of the world asking themselves…”why didn’t we think of that?”
What will be my weapon of liberation for the people of Africa ?
First of all who said anything about liberation? Don’t get it twisted. This is going to be hardcore subjugation to my very strict almost tyrannical insistence of modernism.
When I am done with them they won’t be so westernized that they’ll be listening to Barry Manilow and watching hockey games on ESPN but they also won’t be ass backwards that they’ll be afraid of modern luxuries like indoor plumbing, electricity, television and cell phones that's for damn sure.
No, when I am done with them everyone will be using condoms, reading 2.5 books a year and no one will be playing Soccer.
Yeah, Soccer has to go.
Secondly, who said anything about a weapon?
I told you I am going take Africa over with a few props I am going to borrow from my good friend Steven Spielberg.
In exchange for his cooperation I will let him film my script “AVE” (Amistad vs E.T) anywhere he would like in Africa for free.
Wasn't that very
Kim Jong-il of me?
I swear to God I believe in my heart that all I would need to take over Africa, especially sub-Saharan Africa, is one mechanical shark, a “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” type UFO and a wookie suit that he could borrow from Lucas for me and those Africans that don’t just die from fright at the sight of what I would do will more than willing to help prop up my little regime.
The BBC is reporting that mobile phone users in Nigeria have been anxiously checking who is calling them before answering them in recent days. All of this because someone started a rumor in the commercial capital, Lagos , that if someone answers calls from certain 'killer numbers' then one will die immediately.
The BBC reported that experts and mobile phone operators have been all over the media reassuring people that you cannot die from receiving a fucking phone call.
See people, the continent is prime for the taking.
Here in America we have our sports interrupted for special bulletins like “…this just in, the government has credible information that terrorists are planning an attack on the US ,” quickly followed by an “although we don’t have any more specific information than that we are of the opinion that it would be smart to keep an eye on the A-rabs.”
In Africa they are interrupting sports to tell people that “having peanut butter breath does not attract evil spirits” and “no, your dead ancestors are not trapped in your VCR”.
Any place where a rumor like “you can die from answering your cell phone if the call comes from a specific number” is not the kind of place where people are going to notice the zipper in the back of the Chewbacca suit if you catch my drift?
I would stand on a stage tell everybody that I am their new absolute ruler.
They might laugh initially because, let’s face it, they hear that kinda thing all the time. Coup d'etat is to Africa what pedophiles are to the Catholic Church. It’s harder to find some place that hasn’t had one than some place that has.
But they won’t be laughing too long because as soon as I give the signal someone like Kevin Garnett (if he isn’t busy during the off season) dressed up the Chewbacca outfit will enter stage left from behind the curtain and start screaming something in wookie at the top of his lungs and firing his blaster in the air as one of those huge Close Encounter UFO slowly descends above us.
Then with the whole area illuminated with that freaky blue light that comes out of the bottom of those UFOs, the floor will open from beneath it and WHAM some 30 foot great white shark will drop on stage and start flopping around.
Africa would stroke out. People would start screaming. Titties would start flopping out. There would be pieces of grass skirts everywhere.
Then I would start to implement my agenda, to have every African using condoms, educated, and forward thinking by 2025.
It’s long overdue.
I know my tactics seem a bit drastic but as far as I am concerned, Africa, you had time to do it your way.