Fact: Catherine II of Russia back in the 1700’s was a whore and a sexual freak by even today’s standards. In fact she had a secret room constructed, filled with paintings and sculptures depicting rape, pedophilia and bestiality in realistic and graphic anatomical detail. Apparently the often-told story that she had sex with a horse and died as a result is baseless. In fact, Catherine suffered a stroke while straining taking a shit and ended up dying in bed without having ever regained consciousness.
What I Took from this: Now I see why people make shit up for the history books. Personally, I would rather go down in history as a whore queen who died after fucking a horse than as a whore queen stroked out trying to break off a clean loaf.
Fact: It was the custom in Ancient Rome for the men to place their right hand on their testicles when taking an oath. The modern term 'testimony' is derived from this tradition.
What I Took from this: Only when a man is willing to put his nuts on the line can you really trust that he is telling the truth. A man can blaspheme against God, he can say traitorous words about his country, and he can even lie on the lives of his own mother and even his own children but never, ever will he lie on his nuts.
Fact: The study of stupidity is called 'monology'.
What I Took From This: The study of stupidity might be called monology but the practice of stupidity is called religious fundamentalism.
Fact:King Solomon of Israel, easily one of God’s top 5 favorite people had about 700 wives as well as hundreds of mistresses.
What I Took From This: I’m sorry (the sound of flipping through pages of the bible) where does it say in the bible again that polygamy is wrong? I’m guessing God couldn’t careless how many wives you have. I am still waiting on God to admonish Lot, another one of God’s favorite people, for handing one of his daughters over to get ganged raped by a mob. Chances are if I am having trouble finding that admonishment I better not hold my breath on the polygamy one. But between you and me, you’d think having sex outside of marriage would be a moot point when you have 700 wives. Who the hell else is left to fuck?
Fact: The warriors tribes of Ethiopia used to hang the testicles of those they killed in battle on the ends of their spears.
What I Took From This: How do I know that Jesus Christ isn’t coming back anytime soon? What used to be standard operating procedures back in the day are now considered war crimes. That’s called moving forward. If the return of Jesus is to be proceeded by perilous times, characterized by wanton debauchery, lawlessness and the corruption and perversion of time honored moral values then we are doing pretty damn good when you consider what the world was like when who ever placed those conditions on the return of Christ lived.
In 2004 people get conniption fits when they see pictures of nude Iraq men forced to form human pyramids in the nude. We must be doing something right. What would truly be unfathomable today is if al-jazeera showed American service men walking around with “mujahadeen nuts” tied to their rifle barrels.
Fact: The mad Emperor Caligula once decided to go to war with the RomanGod of the sea, Poseidon, and ordered his soldiers to throw their spears into the water at random.
What I took from this: When you recognize history repeating itself it is unnerving. Bush decides to go to war against terror, so he destabilizes the only country in the middle-east doesn’t have terrorist in it. Bush might not have ordered our US military to throw their spears into the ocean at random but it seems like his national security advisors do something similar. Instead of spears they throw darts and instead of the ocean it is a map of the middle-east. And where ever those darts land must be where we march off to go fight terrorism.