RAW DOGMA written by Nkrumah Steward
|Suicide Bombers: Bin Laden's 72 Virgin Package
|Hamas teaches, young men from boyhood that in return
for their martyrdom their families will be compensated financially,
their pictures will be posted in schools
and mosques, and they will earn a
special place in paradise, which includes unlimited sex with 72
Translation: if you a poor, an ego
maniac or a complete loser
you are the guy we are looking for.
Apparently, Osama Bin Laden's suicide bombers are working under the
belief that they too will be awarded 72 virgins for their efforts.
What the fuck is so damn sweet about fucking a virgin anyway?
And even if a virgin was the best sex you could ever have what am
I supposed to do with 72 of them?
But before we get into that one, how about we talk about this whole
idea of using virgins as compensation for giving my life for the glory
Look at the hidden costs.
I can't afford to feed and clothe 72 women.
When a woman gets comfortable with a man she has no reservations about
shoveling it down when she is hungry. If you think marriage makes
a woman comfortable what do you think being dead will do to a woman?
Where are you going to go?
Personally, my idea of heaven isn't having to work two or three jobs
to feed and clothe 72 giggling horny teenage virgins.
Got something else Binny?
See, when it comes to the whole virgin thing - I am not feeling that
one. That is actually a turn off kinda. In today's day and age being
into virgins is like kissing cousin
to being an outright pedophile. I
mean seriously, nowadays kids are fucking so early girls haven't out
grown their Blue's Clues pajamas before they are giving blow jobs.
So if I were to be recruited by al-Qaeda I would be curious as to
what other packages Bin laden offers. Is it just the 72 virgins or
is there a 36, 18, 9 or maybe even 3 virgin package?
And if there are other packages available what do I have to do toqualify
for the "300 million electronically
transferred into my Swiss back account" package?
Maybe I could put on a Tusken Raiders costume, hang out in the Afghan
mountains and ambush Americans radioing coordinates for the bombers
overhead to hit? How much is that worth?
I would hope that hiding in the moutains wearing aTusken raider costume
would be worth at least 2 virgins.
It's hard to breathe under that mask.
Surely me blowing myself up in the produce section of a flea market
pales in comparison to a burning bush, parting the Red Sea or turning
the Nile River to blood. I mean those are classics. Back then, God
presented very concise arguments "cuz
I said so bitch" with very poignant visual aids like that
time when he turned Lott's wife to salt. I bet Lott talked about that
one for the rest of his life. I bet not one night went by when he
was drinking with his boys that he didn't get drunk enough to tell
the story of how he did everything God ever asked of him, only to
have the mother of his children get turned into salt because she remembered
that she forgot Lott's father's watch on the Kangaroo.
"Of all the fuckin' things she coulda
forgot, she forgets my father's watch. I specifically reminded her
not to forget it. "Bedside table -- on the kangaroo." I
said the words: "Don't forget my father's watch."
Why doesn't he turn Bush to salt? Allah has shown that he is willing
to show his ass when he feels the cause is important enough to lend
his endorsement. He did all of those things without my help or anyone's
help for that matter. So why all of a sudden does he needs me to shove
a dozen M80s up my ass and walk in front of a bus get his message