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RAW DOGMA                                                                       written by Nkrumah Steward
"The Ring" Death-by-videotape

"The Ring," a U.S. remake of a Japanese horror sensation, might be the best American horror film in the last 20 years.
Seriously, I haven't seen an American Horror film that has been this well done since I was 10.
20 years ago I didn't know any better. I thought someone walking around with an axe in his hand chopping horny teenagers into pieces in the woods was scary.
I was 10 years old. For all I knew that kind of shit happened in the woods.
The Ring is rated PG-13 but don't let that fool you.
This movie should've been rated no less than R.
Why PG-13 because there isn't really any blood and no curse words or nudity?
What, does totally fucked up subject matter not count for anything these days?
I for one believe that the last 12 seconds of the Blaire Witch project may have been one of the scariest 12 seconds the genre has ever produced.
Not that those 12 seconds saved the film because it didn't. In fact, as a whole, Blaire Witch is virtually unwatchable after the first viewing.
It has absolutely no replay value whatsoever. What I am asking of you is that if you can just isolate those last 12 seconds that I am talking about, when the bitch runs downstairs into the basement and her friend is standing in the corner facing the wall, she gets hit in the head with a brick just after you figure out what she is looking at, then you will know what I am getting at in terms of the feeling you get watching the Ring.
The Ring manages to have half a dozen of those "moments" throughout this film.
This is a horror movie that moves because of the story.
It is refreshing to see a horror film that doesn't expect computer graphics and a knife wielding psychopath with a British accent to carry you through 1:55 minutes of drudgery with no pay off.
Although at times you may get nervous thinking that someone tricked you into watching another M. Night Shyamalan film but rest assured unlike a Shyamalan film, this film is actually going somewhere.
There aren't any 20 minute scenes of characters sitting at a table across from one another saying absolutely nothing in some attempt to feign the viewer into believing that there is some subtext that doesn't really exist.
No, this film moves, scenes fit nicely together, and more importantly like a well rehearsed band, it stays in the pocket. It keeps its rhythm and maintains the mood.
Without giving anything away it is about this video tape (that looks a lot like it was inspired by E. Elias Merhige's BEGOTTEN) where after you watch it the phone rings, you answer it and there is a voice on the other end foretelling the viewer's death in exactly seven days.
If you have never heard of 'BEGOTTEN' don't feel bad. If you have heard of it but didn't bother to see after you saw the trailer then you know what the video tape in this film looks like. Begotten is so fucked up. I remember watching the trailer and there was this voice over where the guy said "Nobody will get through BEGOTTEN' without being marked".
It was read over this image of a man with sores all over his body having a seizure in the dirt somewhere, totally black and white, totally scratchy film grade.
I was like, "Fuck that." The images in Begotten alone were enough. There is nothing a film like that could leave me with that I would want to have with me permanently. I'll pass, thank you very much.
Well that is what this video tape reminded me of.
Sounds corny? Well so would 90% of the plots from the original Outer Limits television show if I told them to you, and those are fucking classics.
The story progresses through the efforts of a newspaper reporter who ends up watching the film and has just seven days to solve the mystery before she gets fucked up.
I swear there is nothing that has come out in the genre within the past
20 years to prepare you for what you are about to experience.
Go see this film...

…during the day.

same difference
Crematory Tossing Bodies In The Backyard. How fucking Lazy Can You Get?
So here is the big question, why the fuck wouldn't the Marsh family just fucking fix the god damn machine? They had money to hire lawyers to lobby state representatives to get their asses out of being inspected but were too fucking lazy or cheap to flip the few hundred bucks to fix the damn crematory. That is the insanity of laziness.

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